By all accounts All was a good man. He followed the rules, paid his taxes, was loyal to his wife and friends and kids, was an honest, punctional, dependable and productive employee. All was a good man, but lived a fucking boring life.

All was a believer. He went to church every week, read his bible, was fearful of hell and very motivated to spend eternity in heaven. Getting oneself ready for heaven is hard, a lifelong struggle to stay within the boundaries your faith requires. Daily fighting your nature, telling yourself it is worth it because you are preparing for eternal life.

Heaven! A glorious place where there is peace and love and eternal life. The streets paved in gold or filled with harems of virgins, depending on the faith you subscribe to in life. Living for eternity!

Like all people before him All eventually died, and as desired All’s soul was transported to heaven. Turns out there are no pearly gates, you die and then you are in heaven. Just like that. You, yourself with your same face, body, thoughts, concerns, beliefs and the clothes you died in.

An angel swooped down from heaven. Well, uhm, swooped down from above because we are now in heaven. All was impressed. The angel, happy that All was impressed, made a big show of landing, making more wing flaps than necessary and taking its time to stretch its wings one by one before tucking them away on its back. Newcomers are always impressed by the angels.

This angel had a magnificent masculine body, and All was surprised to see that the angel was completely naked, and had a smooth crotch like a Barbie doll! ‘Jesus! Fuck! Sorry Jesus!’, All thought as he immediately felt his own crotch to make sure he was still complete. Everything was still there. This made All curious why he would need genitalia, him being in heaven and all.

’It takes some time for your body to adapt and change All’, the angel said. ‘Eventually all the body parts we no longer need will be gone. Or you can do what I did, and trade your old body for something like this!’. The angel spreading its arms as it shows off its body. ‘Come with me. Let’s get you dressed properly.’, the angel said leading the way to a very large building with a sign that read ‘orientation’.

All was outfitted with a loose gown that settled comfortably on his body, his feet stuffed into soft leather sandals, no underwear. His old clothes unceremoniously tossed into a bin marked ‘donations-hell’. All wondered why anybody in hell would need clothes. He spent a while in the orientation building, learning where he will sleep, what times food is served and how to put his laundry out. Again All was stunned by these arrangements.

This is heaven? You are not supposed to sleep or need anything. Maybe a halo and a harp, but not all these human necessities!

All was assigned a bed in a large room with the other newcomers, each bed a waist high metal frame, with white pillows and bedding, and a lockable footlocker. Locks in heaven! Holy shit, shit’s weird and getting weirder.

In heaven it is always daytime, always the noon hour with the sun right above you so you are never blinded. This makes sticking to a day/night schedule almost impossible, resulting in everyone having their own! Utter chaos!

As the days go by, well shit, as time passed, All became increasingly uneasy. Heaven started to feel like one of those all included resorts he used to go to in Mexico. Just like at those places, All quickly tired of all the activities included in this heavenly stay. Unlike those earthly resorts, you do not get to go home after a week. Heaven is forever!

All’s uneasiness turned into depression, and his depression descended into dread. He was no longer impressed by the angels who turned out to be the custodian staff. These angels are responsible for making beds, doing laundry, cleaning restrooms and disposing trash. A highlight in their existence is performing welcoming duty for new arrivals. All’s schedule became as random as the rest of the souls, and he did not even notice when his man parts finally disappeared.

All’s dread deepened and morphed into extreme boredom, this then progressed to absolute despair. The uselessness he felt was the worst. He had no reason to live anymore. In heaven of all places!

All hung himself from a fig tree on a hill overlooking a beautiful valley. He hung there for a long long time, not dying. There is no death in heaven, no matter how much you wish for it. He gestured for help from a passing angel who freed him from the crude noose he made with torn pieces from his robe.

Heaven turned out to be nothing but intolerable boredom, doing the same shit over and over for eternity. All hated himself for all the fun he ignored while alive to ensure his place in heaven. It was not worth it! Here he is trapped, dickless and hopeless and bored out of his skull, with no escape!

He walked over to the angel recruitment center. He hopes having a job again will give meaning to his existence. He needs a reason to get up in the morning, he needs something to do, something to look forward too.

Heaven without purpose is absolute hell!