My heart is not broken. It still beats normally.

It is my mind that is a mess. A nest of “if, then, why, what” thoughts. Questions that never stop.

Why did you leave? If only I did this, rather than that! How can I restore that which was lost? Can what is lost be salvaged?

There are no apparent answers to these repeating questions. These accusing thoughts overshadow everything else, trampling healthy concern to create fertile soil for sorrow, self-pity, denial, and depression.

I am a prisoner! Held captive by my inability to find answers to this disabling line of questioning. I must break free! I have to! I cannot stay trapped in my head. My messy head, my skull filled with dread, my fear for the future, the self-pity, the denial I keep alive because I am too scared to break the spell with honest self-examination.

I try anyway.

What did I lose? What did it mean to me? What am I without it? What is my future like without it? Can I continue without it?

The first question is the hardest.

If I answer this wrong, will my mind fall into a different hell?

What did I lose?

Inoncence? Hope? Joy? Love?

No.

I lost myself.

I became a people pleaser. A whore, renting myself out for dopamine hits! Chasing validation and acceptance. I denied myself, ignoring my own needs to fit in.

Fitting in had zero benefit. It made me invisible. I blended into the background, harmless, compliant, a reliable coward!

This robbed me of individuality! It canceled me out, making me just another adrogenous being behaving as expected, staying where I am put!

I became the property of those I wanted to please. A slave! Owned and conditioned to believe that I am responsible for their happiness! I am not! I am only responsible only for myself!

There is no need to find myself.

I know where I am.

I simply have to move. Move back into my life so I can use my energy and talent for my benefit.

This might require the severance of relationships and associations.

It will require courage.

Courage means to do what needs doing even if afraid.

I am afraid.

I am halfway there!